Massive Apple Healthkit Upgrade Expected to Get to the Bowels of Our Health

Massive Apple Healthkit Upgrade Expected to Get to the Bowels of Our Health

Health, Medical, Technology 0 Comment 122

Cupertino, CA – If you are like millions of Americans who enjoy the exclusive list of features offered by their iPhones then you have a lot to be excited for in the next release of Apple’s Healthkit for iOS. Apple has been working hard to push Healthkit Services to their users in order to allow customers to live a more healthy and active lifestyle and thus allowing Apple customers to live long enough to continue buying their products.

Apple has enhanced Healthkit to work with several third party services as well as the Apple Watch. Apple has not been any about pushing the limits on what their products are able to perform. Apple has also been enhancing their devices over the past few years by employing precision craftsmanship and chamfered edges. We initially speculated that these enhancements were to improve the look and feel of their devices but with today’s announcement, we now know the real reason.

HealthKit is just as important to Apple as the Function Keys are to us. We strive to create innovations to help improve the lives of our customers by using state of the art technology to separate customers from their money with precision and beautiful tools. We cannot wait to show you what we have been working on. You are going to love it – Juny Ivy (Apple Chief Bullshit Officer)

Introducing Apple Healthkit v20, the latest innovation from the creators of the Apple Lisa and the Apple Pippin. Healthkit v20 has a focus on preventive maintenance and once upgraded, it will activate a large number of sensors that have lived dormant in every iOS device since the iPhone 4 and iPad 2 to allow users to get real time checkups with a few simple steps.

The most innovative sensor is the iOS Rectal Scanner (formally the FaceTime Camera) can detect most digestive issues within a few seconds of being inserted into a customers rear diagnostic port. Furthermore the Rectal Scanner is also able to detect celiacsĀ diseases and even some forms of cancer while the scanning is in progress. The results of these scans are automatically sent to your doctor, marketing agencies, funeral homes and life insurance providers.

The image above provides a glimpse of what we will expect. This test setup has a beta version of HealthKit being rammed into a simulation of a human digestive track to ensure all sensors are calibrated properly.

Apple goes on to add that users will still be able to interact with their iPhones while in their scanning position by calling “Hey Siri”. Siri will of course be able to alert users of any issues discovered I real time via voice as well as be there to answer any questions as the scan is in progress. You can even ask Siri what you had for dinner and it will respond properly with an outstanding 94% accuracy!

Our staff members are excited for this announcement and cannot wait to give it a try when it is released at the end of April… except for Kenny who just purchased the iPad Pro.


Ronald Dump

Ronald Dump has made TREMENDOUS contributions to USNews.Today since joining us in January of 2016. He is GREAT especially since Mexico is paying his salary.

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