Washington DC – Over the past few weeks, President Elect Donald J Trump has been hard at work creating his all-star team of advisers and cabinet members who will help him “Make American Great”. While Mr. Trump has been slowly releasing these names over the past few days, correspondents at USNews.Today was tipped off by anonymous source with a full list of those he is expected to appoint positions.
Rudy Giuliani – National Cyber Security Adviser
Donald Trump is expected to officially appoint former New York Mayor and law professional Rudy Giuliani as his National Security Adviser. Giuliani has spent the past few weeks studying for this role by reading the entire “For Dummies” section of books in his local library and now considers himself a “L337 Hack”.
In an interview with our USNews.Today Reporter, Giuliani was just as shocked to hear the news as the rest of the internet security community. He has outlined a 3 point plan to increase national security that he plans to put into action on his first day on the job. The 3 Point Plan includes:
- In order to eliminate future attacks that target SSL, such as the HeartBleed Virus that was discovered last year, we need to disable SSL on all government websites and services immediately.
- All kids should get off my lawn
- No one writes viruses for Windows 95 anymore so we should make a strategic migration of all government servers to this superior operating system. This move will confuse both Russian Hackers and those in North Korea.
Betsy DuVos – Secretary of Education
Donald Trump has announced that right-wing nutcase conservative Betsy DuVos will be taking over the nations education system. A USNews Reporter reached out to DeVos for a statement and we retrieved the following statement.
“Gawd Did It”
Scientists are worried that DuVos will work to gut the nations education system and replace it with biblical teachings.
Jack Kevorkian – Surgeon General
Although not announced yet, President Elect is expected to name Dr. Jack Kevorkian to the office of the Surgeon General. Dr Kevorkian has an extensive career that has been covered on countless online and print publications.
Dr. Kevorkian is well known as a philanthropist who made a killing by helping his patients over the past 60 years. Patients often referred to him as “aggg… it hurts…”
Dr. Kevorkian currently resides at the White Chapel Memorial Cemetery in Troy, Mi and is expected to re-locate to Trump Towers upon his appointment.
Sarah Palin – Secretary of Foreign Affairs
Sources report that former Vice President Hopeful (we dodged a bullet there) is expected to be appointed as the new Secretary of Foreign Affairs. Mrs Palin is an Alaskan Native who works as hard as a farm animal and only has half of the mental abilities.
Sr Political Correspondent for USNews – Dan WhatDaFuk – says that “Sarah Palin is perfect for this position as the more time she spends outside the United States, the better. We may also eventually figure out what language she speaks”
We spoken to Sarah Palin to ask what her goals would be while she is in office. Her response was “As a maverick, I will eventually learn to form proper sentences and eventually learn to color within the lines on my coloring book you betcha!”
Canada is threatening military action if the United States allows her to step foot there.
Joaquín “El Chapo” Guzmán – Head of the DEA
Donald Trump is expected to appoint Joaquin Guzmán as the head of the DEA. Guzmán is a name that is very familiar with the current DEA leadership due to his lengthy history with the agency. Guzmán has spent the past 15 years teaching agents all of the latest tricks used by drug traffickers to smuggle drugs into the country.
Guzmán is so well liked in the agency that they have even given him his own nickname as a sign of respect “El Chapo”
Marshall Applewhite – Spiritual Adviser
The President Elect is expected to appoint Marshall Applewhite as his personal spiritual adviser. Applewhite came to fame in the late 1990’s by forming a congregation known as Heavens Gate. Heavens Gate was so popular that new members were dying to get in.
Applewhite did not respond to USNews Reporters for comments after repeated attempts and his voicemail was full. We will update this article in the event we have a response.
Giorgio A. Tsoukalos – Director of NASA
Mr. Trump is expected to appoint the lead scientist of the History Channel to lead up the nations space program as the director of NASA, Giorgio A. Tsoukalos. Giorgio has an extensive background in understanding how our solar system works and nobody knows more about extraterrestrial life than Mr. Tsoulalos. USNews reached out to Mr Tsoukalos for comment and his response was “Aliens’
In a written statement sent to USNews by Mr Girogio’s assistant – we were provided with the following statement – We have not had any lunar photoshoots in years so we should dust off the old soundstage and take some new high resolution photos.”